Heartbreaks & Acceptance

I loved my father when I was a child. I guess many of us who have 1, they do. They are our hero during childhood. I have had certain conversations with girls where they say they want their man to be as loving & caring like their dads. No this is not being creepy or incest in anyway, they say it because they feel they deserve someone like him even during their married phase of life. Anyways, both my parents have loved me to death, I believe they still do. But growing up, like everyone I have had my share of spats with them; most of all with my Dad. Growing up in a joint family with paternal grandparents, my grandfather was an extremely hot-tempered, foul mouthed, egoistic, cursing control freak & it’s sad to say that my father has proudly inherited some of his “qualities”. He too is a hot head, curses too much and wants stuff done his way. Both of them never had any control over their tongue and during any argument or a fight used to say the most hateful, mean & evil stuff that not only lead to despising them but even myself. I realised really late that they may love us (their family) but they didn’t respect us, in my father’s case doesn’t respect my mother & me.

He’s nowhere in his life. I do feel sad & sorry for his state that he got dragged into the family business & hated every day & every minute of it, no doubt I have had some of the best times and I understand that a family has tough times but I don’t get how could you say such awful stuff & then behave / pretend that you didn’t mean it. Yeah, you scold, shout or get angry at the people you love…that kind of crap, but doesn’t a person need to draw a line somewhere? I mean just because you have a tongue doesn’t give you the right to break your child’s heart. I’m close & attached to my mother, there used to be a time when my father used to pick me up & make me sit on his shoulders, it was the best feeling as a kid. I mean then I used to turn my head away from my mother as well. Not out of anger but I was young & felt I don’t need anything more.

All this ranting to clear my heart, basically to say that I stopped loving & caring about my father long back. I even remember the last time he put his hands on me, kept on slapping me multiple times that too study related -18 Oct 2011. My heart is stone cold today & I don’t feel anything for him. I hardly talk or tell him what interesting has happened in life so far. He thinks we’re okay but he doesn’t realise that my anger died years back, this is just the disliking that has bottled up where even if something happened to him, I feel I won’t even shed a single drop of tear. My heart is completely emotionless towards him.

Being a college student, I still hadn’t matured, of course I was still in my cartoon watching phase & way too naive. Along came the terms “girlfriend”, “relationship” and “bestfriend”, we were a group of 6 and the nerdy, geeky chick became my bestfriend, we were similar in many ways & had matching tastes. We bonded so much that 1 day she confessed her love towards me and well I broke her heart as I wasn’t attracted to her. I mean there I was thinking that we both will be a pair who’ll prove the world wrong for the saying that a guy & a girl cannot be best friends. I guess even my thinking jinxed it, moving on it became a bit awkward for a few days but we sorted it out, considered that we can’t give up our friendship for this. I was proud and happy to be acting like a matured person. After a while she got involved with 1 of my closest guys from our group and I was happy & excited for them, the whole group was. But I realised things started changing, this guy started being distant from me without any probable cause. I soon got to know he was jealous of my friendship with her girlfriend. I got introduced to the term being the “third-wheel”, although at that time I didn’t how dangerous it could be or that I need to step back.

Time passed & 1 day she involved me for a shitty fight with the guy that I was completely unaware about. As a friend I did love her, helped her with every bit even in her relationship. It felt like a dagger being pushed into my back. I had never experienced such pain. I couldn’t understand why it was happening, what had I done wrong, how could she do that to me. I lost my focus in studies, the group stopped talking to me as well as sitting with me, I wasn’t responding well at home but after around 3 days, she tried talking to me & started giving me reasons & apologising for the crap she had pulled. There were so many questions I wanted to ask her but if I would have asked even a single 1 I definitely would have burst into tears. I just didn’t wanna feel weak & vulnerable and kept it all inside. There she was talking and talking, and I was standing there staring like a soulless creep with nothing to look forward to. I used to be a person who was there for his friends every day every time, always listening to their problems/ grief, each & every thing & a shoulder to cry on. For me that day was the end of our friendship & she understood that because I just walked away while she was talking… I don’t know what as the world around me had fallen numb & I couldn’t pay attention to her talks or anything happening nearby. Just sort of a blackout an expressionless face with eyes fixed on her face.

My family was worried for me & took me out of the city for a break. That week I didn’t take anyone’s call, not to sound cocky or arrogant but I had never ever done such a thing where I walked away from someone in between some serious stuff. That to my group came as a shocker! I was just devastated, heart broken. I had never known what a close friendship with a chick was, I experienced it but maybe too much that it affected me to this extent. No, I wasn’t attracted to her in a sexy way. I didn’t feel like dating her but she was my closest & the bestest girl friend. When I came back my whole group started talking to me as if everything was normal, even her boyfriend. It took me by surprise & I came to know that she had confessed to him about dragging my name when I wasn’t a part of it. That guy was embarrassed as he was my 1st friend in that college. They had a pretty massive argument on that topic. Anyways, the whole group was informed about this & they started showing me sympathy, some of them stopped talking to her out of spite & almost killing the group.

Yup, I was a victim during then. She apologised to me maybe a million times, eventually I did forgive but things weren’t the same after that. Hell, I did not keep any friendship. I thought I had learned my lesson, but apparently not! My problems with women had just started and few more instances happened where I was degraded, humiliated and became a joke in many batches. The term “third wheel” didn’t leave me till 2018, hopefully I can say I know now how to take a step back & not get involved even if that person means a lot to me. Also, more than this the word “misunderstanding” loves me. You know, if a book gets written about my life, if I have to narrate stories and instances from life I have too many misunderstanding cases with women, where I have always had narrow minded women looking to blame me for something I never ever did or didn’t even dream of.

I guess from all this heavy ranting & seeing many series and movies, I understood that many of the instances have been traumatic, many of them have depressed me to a great extent. Many would advise me to go & visit a fuckin shrink, but been born in a not so rich family, I don’t have that option so I do the best thing that is bottle it up. I have gotten extremely bad with my emotions and the cause of writing all this today is maybe just maybe I might have figured something. I have social anxiety, basically fear of embarrassment and humiliation, I believe I feel all these wrongs that have happened where I’ve been a victim, maybe feeling sorry for myself, upset, trauma has lead to me losing faith in people. I think I don’t trust people especially friends. This has made me a sort of a control freak. I can’t say this is hereditary or not, I have come to realise it as a matter of fact after just searching on Google not trusting does make a person a control freak. I want people or my friends to take my opinion with their whole heart & I guess I push them of course in a polite and humble manner to do what I feel and say. And if they counter by refusing and mentioning something else and even going ahead with it, my face just falls. It is a hit to my inflated ego which is very difficult to take.

I’m pretty positive even a shrink would have made me realise this stuff, maybe earlier but I’m happy I figured some stuff and have accepted. Though it may not be a good thing, but I can understand how acceptance of such stuff is so damn difficult.